You should take this information I’m about to give you, repeat it like scripture from the Bible, turn counter-clockwise three times, and then bow to the planetary overlords: Mercury is in retrograde. And if I want to use my book learnin’ and apply grammatical rules: Mercury is currently retrograde. Why does this matter? Because the planets are screwing up my vibe. And probably yours, too.
Mercury, you son of a B- ig Bang.
I don’t aaactually believe in astrology but it’s nice to put the blame for bad things happening on the greater cosmos instead of accepting life as a nihilistic journey in getting money, Instagramming your imagined cool life, buying new Apple products, and then dying and fading from human history forever.
Just remember: you aren’t having a bad day, one of the planets is having a bad day.
Government shutdown?
Is it because politicians are selfish, virtue-less gremlins? NO! It’s Mercury in retrograde
People dying?
Is it because that is a natural part of the life process? NO! That retrograde, man.
Getting a horrible quiz grade in a class?
Because I didn’t adequately absorb or study the information? NOOOO, it’s that rascaly ball of swirling gas, Mercury.
I seriously wish I was in a relationship right now so I could have this conversation:
—
Me: “So, we need to break up..”
Hypothetical person: “What? Why?”
Me: “It’s not you, it’s ME-rcury.”
HP: “…. what?”
Me: “Mercury, it’s retrograde.”
HP: “Alrighty, then.”
—
For the record, I have no idea what Mercury in retrograde actually means. I just know that a planet is ruining my life.
– Daughter
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