Every birthday, I resolve to make the coming year better than the last. But then, sometimes, there are periods of time where I flat out lose my mind and make terrible decisions that fly in the face of my goals and reject all notions of human reason (and decency). Enlightenment thinkers  are probably disgusted by me and my flagrant disregard for objectivity and logical reason.

“I Kant even look at you.”

(Note to self: restrict self from making Philosophy 101 puns after midnight because they are extra horrible.)

Being a certain age is like going on a blind date. Except that you slowly bury your date throughout the year before the next birthday brutally murders it. And this happens up until the day you keel over. This year, 22 will be laid to rest and rising from its ashes, 23 will arrive. It was good enough for Michael Jordan so it’s good enough for me.

I’m sure 23 is significant if I think of it in terms of what my (hoped for) lifespan of a million years a solid century is: two years from a quarter-century,  seven years from 30… I could go on but math.

Anyway, like I started off saying in the beginning before my brain got sidetracked by Immanuel Kant and Michael Jordan, I like to avoid the stupid things I did the year before. Here are things that happened when I was 22 that were #notsogreat decisions or choices:

• running (a lot) when I have terrible knees (Me, while running: Wow, this is excruciatingly painful. It feels like an angry mercenary militia is actively waging war inside of my knees. I bet I will be in 1208234o6795422x this much pain in thirty years…. oh well, moar running!!!!)
• not flossing (Me, while at the dentist: The dentist looks quite disgusted with the state of my gums, I really should floss. Really. No, stop laughing!! Humor is not allowed in my serious inner monologues about flossing. I WILL FLOSS. Maybe. Probably not though, because ugh, it takes forever.)
• wearing high heels without strategic band-aid placement
• buying Groupons (Me, when buying said Groupon: I will for sure use this coupon before it expires. I will definitely drive thirty minutes out of my way to get this wax treatment. Why wouldn’t I?)
• impulse buying (Me, at Target: I only need a new sweater so I can replace the one with hole- IS THAT AN OMBRE DR- OH MY GOD JEWELRY SALE- AND OWLS, OWL EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE!!!)
• getting upsold at Starbucks without realizing it (Me, at the time: Wow, that lady was just awful nice. Awful nice. I’m paying…. what?! That seems higher th- oh my god. It’s because I just agreed to an extra shot of espresso. I will pick up my coffee from the bar very aggressively while thanking the barista for a job well done and leaving  a tip to show my displeasure and disapproval of her witchcraft.) 
• whiskey (This seems like a good idea.)
•  vodka (This seems like a good idea.)
• drinking alcohol with a phone or communication device in hand (This text seems like a good idea.)
• getting separated from my friends without a phone, ID, or money (This seems like a terrible idea, too bad I have no device to rectify the situation.)
• dropping my phone face down on some concrete (Me at the time: Well, now every time I make a call I will get glass splinters in my face – maybe it will work as exfoliation too??!!)

To good decisions!

– Daughter