20

Nov

I’m White Hot… in the Insurance Industry

My biggest fan! But seriously, Flo, stop sending my resume to HR - I'm not interested.

My biggest fan! But seriously, Flo, stop sending my resume to HR – I’m not interested.

Maybe they’ve heard through the grapevine that I really like Progressive commercials, maybe they know that I deeply appreciate and am grateful for medical insurance, or maybe they just want a drone to carry out their paperwork – whatever the reason, insurance companies are pursuing me incessantly. Seriously, it’s like some sort of Renaissance-era courting ritual. I’m surprised they haven’t just gone straight to my father for my hand in insurance-marriage. Or written me a ballad. Or gifted me with expensive jewelry while making grand platitudes about my beauty and wit.

"Girl, you iz fine!"

“Girl, you iz fine!”

No, instead of the *proper* method of going about courting me, they’re e-mailing me. Sometimes, multiple times. They keep telling me I’d be great for their “team”. I’m prettttttttyyyyy sure they’ve misunderstood my resume and have no clue what they’d be in for if they hired me. Hypothetically, I’d be a great asset in terms of my ability to communicate like a human – I’m literate and can sometimes participate in small talk without gagging. Retail has also afforded me some vague knowledge of “customer service”.

The recruiters for these companies probably have a good laugh over my statements on my profile that describe my desired job as “writer” and send me a recruitment e-mail half out of pity and half out of genuine interest in hiring me. They know I will be poor and living among the plebes and probably feel like some sort of hero offering me an insurance position.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining because, as we all know from the news, the job market is dismal and we’re all going to die horrible deaths. It’s not that I’m too good to work for an insurance company though, it’s that I actually think that maybe there’s a chance I could write for a living and do what I like instead of shilling life coverage plans? I don’t know, maybe I’m taking crazy pills…

Who knew The Matrix would be so relevant to my life?? I choose the Red Pill! I want to know how far the rabbit hole goes. LET’S ALICE IN WONDERLAND IT UP, GUYS. 

– M

10 years ago Short URL Comments

Humor/Laugh at My Expense

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29

Jul

Job Applications Make Me Weird(er)

I’ve been halfheartedly sending out job applications as of late. Not with my full heart because, well, I don’t think employers necessarily want somebody who can’t work for another four months because she’s in school. I mean, I might be wrong about that but I’m preeeetty sure I’m right. Nonetheless, I’ve been applying to jobs like it’s my job.

I do not space out these applications; I binge-apply to every company I vaguely approve of as a long-term option in a time window from 1am-4am. It is in this three-hour period that the genius flows through me and I think up the most wonderful cover letters and resume ideas.

So, there I was the other night, happily applying to jobs at two in the morning when suddenly, I read one of the job application requirements a bit closer: “send a handwritten letter about optimism to such-and-such in San Francisco”. Oh, man. This is going to be soo good. I tried to be very sincere in my letter and came up with what I thought was a great symbol for what optimism was to me in my life: my bedazzled cast.

This is not a photo, it’s actually a drawing. I know it’s hard to tell because of my art skillz.

I wrote about the time period in college when three out of four of my limbs were broken simultaneously and somehow threaded in optimism in there. And, you know what? I sure was optimistic. I survived looking like a Transformer for three months. And I think what got me through it were those rhinestones shining into my eyes every time I walked outside. How can you be sad when your arm is a veritable Claire’s store*? How can you be down when a little piece of the sun is permanently affixed to you? How can you be depressed when God himself never created something so beautiful as what you created on your arm? Answer: you can’t.

Or at least, that’s what I argued in my letter. Now that I think about it, I should have added a tiny rhinestone to my letter. Oh well, I did think to include a picture of my cast with all of its bedazzles with the caption: “This is what optimism looks like”. Honestly, I think there is a pretty small chance that I will snag this job in SF but somewhere in that city, the editor-and-chief of that publication will chuckle to himself as he is blinded by the picture of my cast.

NOBODY CAN TAKE AWAY MY SPARKLE.

– Daughter

* Because this is a reference Dad won’t get: Claire’s is a store that shills cheap jewelry to gullible preteens, such as myself… ten years ago.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

Fail/Laugh at My Expense

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04

Apr

How to Network

Networking is a critical skill necessary for professional success and something that every college senior should be doing all the time. Getting a coffee in the morning? Wow, that  barista has a lot of tattoos, ask if he went to art school and if he knows any professors that need a research assistant or an intern. BAM, networking. Doing a yoga class? In the middle of that last “namaste,” lean over to your neighbor and stick your business card in her yoga pants. She won’t appreciate it at the moment, but later, she’ll be thankful she has the contact information of an art history major – the world really needs more liberal arts majors after all. BAM, networking.

I have a few rules that I follow that have helped me expand my professional contacts of cats. Follow these, and you’ll be unemployed forever golden.

The first rule of networking is to be really pretty, that way, people will be drawn to your symmetrical features and give you a job based on your looks. Skills? Those are for ugly people.

The second rule is to be annoying. (Sidenote: the first rule is always a difficult one for me to abide by but being annoying is like, my thing.) Being annoying includes being in constant contact with the possible network person via e-mail, Google+, Facebook, MySpace, LiveJournal, snail mail, morse code, telegraph, walkie talkie, and homing pigeons.

Rule number three is to walk around with your resume at all times. Make sure it’s framed or gilded with gold, first impressions are everything.

The fourth rule is to have a firm, hard handshake. You are a bear and you are catching salmon. The same force a bear applies with its jaws to catch salmon should be the approximate grip strength you aim for during a handshake.

That’s it. Job. Done. You’re welcome.

– Daughter

 

11 years ago Short URL Comments

Humor

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12

Dec

Ten Types of Co-workers

The people you work with either make or break your overall work experience. I’ve dealt with my fair share of “characters” over the years and there are some archetypes I’ve seen time and time again. *

The Incompetent One

He’s above you payscale- and position-wise but you have to look down to find him because he’s always on the floor babbling incoherently. You don’t even bother asking him questions because it’s a fool’s errand. Why am I being paid minimum wage while he is taking liquid gold baths? He is a rich idiot and I am a poor genius. 

incompetent

The Competent One

She intuitively knows what you need and just rocks out work like it’s her job… well, it is, but you get my point. She just knows. Sometimes, her omniscience is scary but most of the time, you’re thankful for it.

competent

The Slacker

She is different from the incompetent co-worker because she knows how to do everything but just chooses to do things wrong to cut corners. She loves to take breaks and constantly hands off customers to you. There’s a 105% chance she’s high.

The Starving Artist

He is too good for his current job and waxes poetic about his hypothetical future life full of glory and critical acclaim. He is a legend in his own eyes but everyone sort of hates him because his daydreams distract him into an unreachable oblivion. Yes, yes, Shakespeare, now please go show the customer where the old people diapers are. 

artist llama

The Rule-Follower

She follows rules to an extreme. A minute late? 20-minute lecture on responsibility. Didn’t greet a customer nicely enough? Written up for poor representation of the store. Made a mistake? Fired.

The One with Flexible Morals

He is super fun but you watch your purse and other personal belongings very carefully around him. He tends to lie to customers, shirks from responsibility, and has kleptomaniac tendencies.

The Socially Awkward One

She grew up in America and possibly went to the same school with you, but you might as well be talking to a Furby. Actually, no, that’s not even true because a Furby is programmed to interact with humans. Okay, you might as well be talking to a Furby but one without batteries in it. She’s possibly not all the way human (but may be part-Furby).

furby

The Selfish One

He must take his break RIGHT NOW. LOLBYESUCKERSHAVEFUNWITHTHATLINEOUTTHEDOOR!

The Enemy 

Imagine the Montague v. Capulet blood feud but more bloody.

The Micro-Manager

Oh no, she is doing everything right… she even just went above her job description and helped save a little old lady from a house fire. How can I re-exert my control over her to let her know she’s still unworthy to work here? I’ve got it! I will correct something she’s not even doing wrong. Crisis averted! 

* Female and male pronouns are randomly used because I got really tired of writing ‘he or she’… gender is such a drag. **

** Hahahahahaha. Get it? Like… drag? Drag queens? God, I’m hilarious.

– Daughter

11 years ago Short URL 8 Comments

Humor/Retail Fail

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22

Nov

The Holidays Make Customers Dumb, Vicious Animals

Customers during the holiday season.

Today, at my retail job, I asked customers to stay in a single-file line. Yes, I had the audacity to ask them to stand in an orderly fashion and not like a pride of lions fighting over a corpse on the Serengeti. You would have thought I was asking customers to burn the flag or murder kittens because of their reactions.

Besides the many under-the-breath comments regarding the line, there have been other ridiculous customer comments or requests.

These are actual words from customers, followed by my actual response, and then what I really wanted to say.

Customer: “You should make the sign pointing to where the line is bigger.”

Response: “Totally!”

What I wanted to say: “Well, the sign assumes you’re literate.”

Customer: “Are you getting in [obscure German wine I can’t pronounce – stein]?”

My response: “I’m not sure, I’ll have somebody check for you!”

What I wanted to say: “NEIN!!!!”

Customer: “This chair says no assembly but it looks like I might have to put a single screw into a leg. THE CHAIR IS LYING. BUILD IT FOR ME RIGHT NOW.”

Response: “Of course, I would love to!”

What I wanted to say: “[Angry diatribe against grumpy old people].”

Customer: “You didn’t have a mini apron for kids or a chef hat. I’m so disappointed.”

Response: “I’m so sorry about that!”

What I wanted to say: “I’m sorry that I’m not sorry.”

Disclaimer: I chose this job, so yes, I signed up for this. Most customers are awesome and make my day better but unfortunately, they don’t provide good fodder for entertaining blog posts.

– Daughter

11 years ago Short URL 1 Comment

Retail Fail

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