The holidays: a time for giving and being thankful.

I’m giving thanks it is over. The mass pilgrimage to stores has died down, customers’ inane questions are now a dull roar in the background instead of nightmarish tirades, and people are nicer. Oh wait, no. People are not nicer. Customers have collectively banded together to make everybody miserable right after the Christmas rush. I don’t know if it’s post-holiday blues, stress-induced rage, or a strict adherence to Hobbesian principles but people have been nasty, brutish, and short. Not only to employees but to other customers – you’re on the same team, guys!

Notable incidents:

1) A customer accused another customer of cutting him in line. After a terse but mostly-civil conversation, the older man backed down and rejoined the line with great dignity. This same man is called to another register a few minutes later and as he walked toward it, he slammed into the cutter’s shopping cart with his shopping cart and says with a sneer, “Oh… sorry!” A silence swept the room while the younger man unsheathed his sword and challenged his aggressor to a duel. Someone might have died, I don’t remember.

2) A customer asked the price of a gift bag because it was in the 50% off rack but she wanted to be sure of the discount. I scanned the item and told her it was mistakenly placed there because it was actually full price. She completely lost her sh it: “WHAT? THAT REALLY MAKES ME ANGRY! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THIS STORE. I HATE IT WHEN STORES ARE DISORGANIZED, I CAN’T EV-” At this point,  I actually looked away from her and into the distance, imagining myself high-fiving a million angels. I had to restrain myself because I was afraid she would murder me, cut me up into little pieces, and stuff me into a bag incorrectly placed in the clearance section if I spoke angrily.

I wanted to tell her that a big retail store is always fighting a losing battle against customers throwing random products everywhere they can, when they aren’t stealing them, breaking them, or complaining about them. Customers believe that the story of Hansel and Gretel is a parable to live by and choose to leave merchandise in their wake should they ever need to be found. I also wanted to say, “Actually, I purposely go throughout the store and put things away in a disorderly fashion. I want shopping to be an adventure that goes back to our hunter-gatherer roots from those many moons ago.” Instead of doing any of the above , a co-worker wisely stepped in and took over when she saw my eyes glaze over with hatred

3) An elderly couple came in this morning and approached me with smiling faces and Eastern European accents. They both had an eerily vacant look to them which is why it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when this conversation happened:

Old Lady: “I see you sell woolen .. uh.. hau-ha-hautes here??

Me: “Yes, we have woolen hats and other accessories.”

OL: “I like to sell my scarves and mittens here. Can I do that? Like consignment store!”

I was utterly dumbfounded. I thought she was kidding but that vacant, eager smile and expression never wavered. I explained that our store was a retail chain, not an independently owned store, and that our products came from many different vendors. I left out that these “vendors” were probably factories and definitely not individual artisans as she so desperately wanted to believe. This is the equivalent of a person going into a Target or Wal-Mart and asking to sell his or her handmade wares there – yeah, no. Yet, she found something positive out of this.

OL: “Yes! I would like to be vendor.”

Me: “Well, that’s not really how it works, you would have to call a corporate office.”

OL: “Yes, yes. We call. I sell woolen hats here.”

Me: “…. sure.”

They both look pleased and shuffled out, only to come back several hours later to ask for the corporate number and declare the necessity of selling her woolen creations in the store once again.

“The only thing I love more than wool… nope, there is nothing.”

Happy New Year, indeed.

– Daughter