11

Nov

No, I Can’t Help You, M’am, My Hands are Full of Broken Glass

I really thought that customers couldn’t reach a new low but they prove time and time again that, yes, they can lower the bar ever lower. There is no limit for debauched customers.

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For example, two days ago, someone pooped on the floor. Actually. Pooped. On. The. Floor. I’m extremely hard to gross out so I got some bleach poured it over the area in question and donned a hazmat-like suit (no, just gloves actually) and cleaned it. It wasn’t the way I wanted to start off my day but you know what, things can’t really get worse after that, can it?

OR SO I THOUGHT.

I’m going about my day, doing my assigned tasks and a coworker tells me that there’s a wine spill. Okay, no problem. Someone breaks a regularly bottle of wine probably once a week. I walk over to the wine department, expecting a small wine puddle but instead see a huge spill and broken glass eeeeverywhere. I saw a couple of customers by the spill but they skittered away once they saw me. Didn’t apologize or anything. That’s fine. Whatever. FOR SHAME, HUMANITY. FOR SHAME.

THEN, as I am very obviously cleaning up a spill (literally, I was in the middle of a sea of wine and glass) and handling broken glass, a customer asked if I could help her. I didn’t even try to veil my absolute disgust at this woman as I turned around and said, “Actually, I can’t help you right now because I’m cleaning up broken glass that I don’t want other people to step on.” She says, “That’s fine, I’ll just ask my question as you work.” She then proceeds to ask an extremely specific, detailed question that I do not have the answer to, so I put down the shattered glass and get a coworker. But really, REALLY? I understand that the customer is important but COME ON, BROKEN/SHATTERED GLASS IS IN MY HANDS, do I really look like I’m in any position to assist you? Unless you are planning on buying broken glass, then I can’t help you.

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Thank goodness for amazing coworkers! They’re all I have in this (retail) world.

– Daughter

11 years ago Short URL Comments

Fail/Humor/Retail Fail

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06

Dec

A Customer Returns a Scarf Because it Makes Her Look Like a Terrorist

This story is brought to you by the letters W, T, and F. Yesterday, I was working and having the audacity to be happy at the same time when a customer came in and caused me to make that face dogs have when they are trying to work something out in their little dog brains.

Whaaa...?

Whaaa…?

This seemingly nice lady comes in with a bag and tells me she needs to make a return. I ask if there is something wrong with the product or if she just changed her mind. This is her actual response, “I just bought this scarf and got halfway home before I realized there is some sort of script on there and if I wore this in church, it would be wrong. Everyone would look at me weirdly and think I was some sort of flag-burning terrorist.”

As she was describing the scarf, I expected her to pull out a garment featuring depictions of Satan and ‘666’. Nope, she pulls out a white scarf with Hindi on it (otherwise known as the handwriting of terrorists). She ends her little anti-scarf tirade with a “… you know?” Little does she know that despite the fact I look completely and utterly white as can be, I have roots in the Middle East where similar script terrorist-y writing can be found. I was not offended, just baffled and amused. Instead of replying without a filter, I put on my best poker face and said, “I understand, m’am. White-person high-five!” When really, I wanted to say, “Are you serious right now? You can’t wear this to church? Is the script on it some sort of demon-portal that allows you to be possessed? Will you be drawn and quartered for wearing this? Does this scarf come with an AK-47? Are you a terrorist now?”

I know she had no idea what the actual language was on the scarf, she only knew that it was Middle Eastern-y and therefore, offensive to her sensibilities.

original

The Anti-American scarf, a perfect holiday gift!

I am fascinated by these sort of people.

– Daughter

11 years ago Short URL 4 Comments

Retail Fail

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30

Nov

The Unpublishable Piece I Wrote For My Internship

Me being serious.

Me being serious.

I have to do a bit of writing here and there for my internship. Sometimes, my ability to write is complicated by my utter lack of lucidity in the mornings. Mostly because I can never stop looking at cat pictures the night before. In the fog of sleep-deprived delirium, I believe – nay, AM – a comic genius who can turn anything into a humorous masterpiece. Homelessness rate up? I can probably work in a #nohobo joke. West Nile Virus threat? Kanye West seems a fitting punchline somewhere. Earthquake fears? No, it’s just yo’ mama taking a walk.

Anyway, during one particular morning, I had around 3 hours of sleep and 4 cups of coffee. The combination of caffeine and sleeplessness created a monster who refused to write about anything in a serious manner. I was shaking. Was it from the caffeine? Or were the very fibers of my being trembling with laughter?

My task that day was to write a little post about a housing competition. Simple enough for a sane, well-rested person, someone I was not at that moment. I did try at first but the blank page before me became too much, I gave up and unchained the crazy. Brilliance ensued: why not anthropomorphize the houses? Why can’t the housing competition be presented as a Bachelor-style dating show? Sure, I thought, that’d be hilarious. 

Here it is in full:

Bored of your own house and daydream about finding the One? Look no further. Three finalists from the San Diego area are competing for your vote (and affections) in Redfin’s Iconic Homes of America Competition.

Bachelor #1: 10292 Wateridge Circle. He enjoys watching the sunset each evening with a glass of red wine sangria. His ideal mate loves Real Housewives of Miami and rollerblading. Located in Sorrento Valley, this split-level home features beautiful Spanish architecture complete with palm trees.

Bachelor #2: 7310 Vista Del Mar Avenue. Long walks on the beach and playing ultimate Frisbee fill his leisure hours when he isn’t working his day job as an investment banker. It’s the second largest residence on the La Jolla coast and possibly the coolest. Private beach access and ocean views are framed by impressive Mediterranean architecture.

Bachelor #3: 816 San Rafael Place. His favorite activity is dancing to smooth jazz under the moonlight. He hopes his next romantic partner will share his love of waffles. This four-story house is located in Mission Beach and has 360-degree views of the coastline from the rooftop deck, a true Californian residence.

Voting is open from October 26 to November 2. Vote for your favorite on Redfin’s Homes of America page on Facebook. Who will get the final rose? On November 5, America will find out.

My supervisors told me it was “cute” which in editorial terms means that it will never see anything but the bottom of a trashcan.

– Daughter

11 years ago Short URL 3 Comments

Fail

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